Friday, November 18, 2011

Grief is a journey

Losing our child/children did not guarantee us that we would receive compassion and understanding from others. It did not guarantee us that family and friends would understand our pain, our heartbreak, our actions, our choices. It did not guarantee us that we would receive no more trial in our lives. Quite the opposite...we lose family and friends, we have been told to "get over it" to stop crying....well, one thing it does guarantee us is that we will meet the people we are supposed to meet, the ones who care, the ones who understand and I am thankful for those who have held my hand through this nightmare of a journey through grief!♥

A friend who also lost her son to Hydranencephaly posted this on facebook a couple days ago, and it really got me thinking about how this statement is SO incredibly true. When Dillion was born a lot of my "friends" disappeared, it was heartbreaking, but I made excuses reasoning with myself that they were only keeping their distance because they did not know how to deal with a disabled or terminally ill child. I adjusted to being lonely and learned how to live life without many people in it, constantly telling myself that I didn't need anyone, I could do it all on my own and I DID!

However, when Dillion suddenly passed away, I was shocked at my want and need to have people. I no longer felt as though I could handle things alone, and had a strong desire to have people understand my heartbreak, to show compassion and offer sympathy. Unfortunately very few people responded, and even more shockingly people who call themselves "friends" and even family walked away, or turned their backs. Once again I tried to make excuses for people, telling myself that they just didn't know what to say, or how to cope with the death of a child. As time went on I expected that "friends" would come around, but the days have grown longer, and still I find that very few people are around.

On bad days, when tears fill my eyes, I am told that it is time to move on, and start living my life. Do these people not realize that I lost my child, an actual piece of myself, and a large piece of my heart. How can they believe that a loss like that can heal so quickly???

So many people have totally turned their backs on me. Since the death of my son, I have been avoided, ignored, and rejected. I have even personally witnessed people who will turn and walk the other direction so as not to have to talk to me.

I do understand that it is hard to know what to say, or even what the right thing is to do, but I would honestly rather have someone say the wrong thing, then to say nothing at all. People should remember that calling yourself a "friend" doesn't make you any more a friend than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Although, I have met several amazingly wonderful people along this journey who have been by my side. People who will not ignore my calls/texts and try to understand when I am having a bad day and falling apart, people who are there to offer a hug, or kind word. I am extremely grateful for these few amazing people, and wish that so many more could be like them. Instead, some people act like the death of a child is contagious. They act like they dont want to get too close just in case some of our unfortunate loss might rub of on them. I just wish people would realize that some times they are walking away from those who really need them simply because it is inconvenient or uncomfortable for them.

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