Sunday, March 11, 2012

Strong?? Survivor?? Strong Survivor?? Hmmmm....


Yes, those are my arms in the picture above... The picture was taken by a friend of mine on Boogie's birthday. She thought it would be neat to get a cool black and white shot of my new tattoos. However, looking at this picture really has me thinking... Do these words even truly describe me? Sometimes I feel like instead of "Strong Survivor" I perhaps should have tattooed something more along the lines of "Weak and Broken". Most days I certainly don't feel very strong. People always tell me that I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, but yet I wonder. Do they say these things simply because they themselves feel like perhaps they could not have endured many of the things I have gone through, or do they say them truly because they feel I am strong?

Another thought that comes to mind pretty regularly, if I am so strong, then why do I feel so weak? Some days I truly feel as though the world is sucking every ounce of life out of me, and it is a struggle simply to breath. Surely those are not characteristics of a strong person?  The old saying goes "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" but so often I feel like I am already dead on the inside, and if I am dead then how can I be classified as strong??

Thoughts like these plaque my mind quiet frequently. I am always afraid I am going to let people down, especially those people who seem to see in me so many things that I am truly unable to see in myself. I feel like if I am weak, then I am letting those who care, and who believe I am strong down. Yet, I feel if I am strong, I am betraying my son in some odd way.

I will often say that I wish others could know the road I am walking, so that they could better understand my jumbled up roller coaster of emotions which come out only as  mess of non understandable words when I try to explain. The truth however, is that I am so glad that others do not have to walk this road.

I guess I will just keep trudging down this path that I never wanted to walk, and perhaps with every step I will get a little stronger. I may not be able to look in the mirror tonight, and see a "Strong Survivor" but one day my tattoos will ring true... Even in my eyes.

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