From the moment we open our eyes each morning, life is filled with questions and decisions to be made. Daily we are faced with a wide range of choices, so many at times, its as though life were a quadrillion piece jigsaw puzzle we are being forced to master even though most of the pieces just don't seem to fit.
Currently my life resembles nothing more than a quizzical circle of mystery. I spend a large part of nearly every day in thought. I often ponder simple things, like "what's for dinner" but much of my thoughts are focused on the more complex theories, and questions. For example, I have recently been faced with some decisions that I quiet frankly did not want to have to make. Sure, I believe a small part of me knew the answer from the beginning, but I am a doubter and am extremely over critical of decisions I make on my own. I over thought and over thought until I once again found myself at the very beginning with no clear answer.
However, after spending over an hour in conversation and self reflection with an amazing friend this morning, I finally had the "Ah Ha" moment, you know the moment when the little light bulb finally comes on. This circle I have been tormenting myself with for the last few days, truly had nothing to do with the decision I was being faced with. My heart told me the answer to that question days ago, but I was letting my self doubt and fears lead me astray.
The truth in this is that my heart leads by instinct always leading me towards a life of purpose. Yet my mind wants to lead me in the direction where I can prosper even if it means leading me away from my true purpose. Realizing this was indeed the fore mentioned "Ah ha" moment. However, this little moment of clarity quickly lead to even more questions.
If I am to follow my heart which leads in the direction of purpose, then shouldn't I perhaps know what my purpose is? I mean if you would have asked me several months ago, my answer would have been simple. My purpose was to care for Dillion, and make sure that his need as well as the needs of my other children were met. In short, my purpose was to be a mom.
However loosing Dillion made me feel as if my purpose in life was no more. For months I have walked around tangled up in a web of doubt, fears, and questions. I have felt as though I had no purpose, as though I was empty, and somehow incomplete. I have been lost and confused like a teenager who is searching for themselves and trying to develop life's path.
Although I am no longer teenager or even someone in my early twenties, I have found myself at times very child like and feeling extremely and totally lost. It is almost as if I myself were spinning wildly out of control. I have come to realize though, I am not totally insane (as I have feared) I am just a mother who was extremely set in her ways, and who's life was literally shattered and torn apart but the death of a child. Sure, I have been in an emotional state of upheaval and yes, I have been lost, and searching for a purpose. I believe that is at least some what normal after all I have been through in the last nine months alone. Now that I realize this, I can truly begin picking up the pieces, and slowly start to rebuild. This time I plan to do it right, and I plan to build on a solid foundation instead of quickly sinking sand. Sure, it's likely going to take awhile, but I think I am finally up for the adventure. What's more, is I think I am finally ready to embark on this adventure without feeling like a total failure, and I think that is a huge step in the right direction.
So what is my purpose in life? Truthfully, that is something I have not yet fully discovered, but I think I am finally beginning to see glimmers of that purpose. It may not be easy, and my mind will no doubt try to get in the way many times during my adventure but I intend to follow my heart, because I believe God leads you on the path HE has for your life, through the desires he places in your heart.
Perhaps I will quickly realize my intended purpose in life, perhaps it will take years of self examination. Either way I intend to live a life which is filled with purpose, as I believe I would much rather live a life that is filled with purpose then a prosperous life filled with no purpose at all. I also believe that if you are truly seeking and living your life purpose, then prosperity and happiness will indeed find you.
So here I am headed out for another adventure, one foot in front of the other and my head held high. I expect to fight battles, and I expect to have to pick myself up, but I can do this... I WILL DO THIS!