I look around at my life, and realize that if I am being truthful, I hardly recognize it anymore. Some days, I look in the mirror and only faintly recognize my own reflection... At times I think that girl in the mirror can't be me, and this can't be my life. Perhaps this is all nothing more than a bad dream, surely I will soon wake up to realize that my "Hell year" (as I have so non lovingly named it) has been nothing more than a figment of an over active and extremely overstressed mind...
I would love for that to be the reality, but sadly the only reality is, that I am indeed that girl in the mirror and although unrecognizable, the life I am living is mine. I feel as though I have aged 30 years in the last 11 months, and that vibrant, energetic girl, with the crazy sense of humor that I once was, has vanished leaving behind a mere empty shell.
Pain has a way of changing people, sometimes the changes occur so slowly that those around you hardly notice, and sometimes those changes happen so quickly that it appears as if almost over night you are unrecognizable not only to yourself, but to every one around you. I am not sure if my changes happened slowly or more dramatically, but I do know that I have changed. Not sure yet if those changes are good or bad, but change has with a doubt occurred.
Of course everything in life happens for a reason, although the reason may not always be clear, or even understandable, there is a reason none the less. I do not know the reason(s) behind the year my family has endured, but I trust there were very important reasons behind it, and I have to focus on the good that will come from the all the bad life has thrown our direction.
Perhaps the change was part of the purpose (or reason) behind all of the hell I have lived through. I will likely never know the reason for the downward spiral, but I must focus on looking up. Sometimes we are broke down to nothing, and stripped of all we had just so that we can pick ourselves up, and rebuild as the person we were meant to be.
In other words, I might not be where I want to be, or even where I thought I would be in life, but I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And although I have changed, and became someone who is nearly unrecognizable, I have to believe that I am merely changing with the seasons of my life, and trust that one day soon I will look in the mirror and love the person I see steering back me.