I am sure we all remember those sarcastic statements our parents used to make. You know those statements which you swore were made strictly to confuse you, and lure you into potential trouble. The ones which bordered right there on the line of joking sarcasm and scolding, and left you with a blank stare not knowing exactly what you were supposed to do. Those comments in which your response would often be something like "When I grow up, I will always tell me kids exactly what I mean". As a child, I swear my mother had to be the queen of sarcasm, especially when she was stressed or I was in trouble (which was pretty often). I of course swore that I would always tell my kids exactly what I meant, but honestly I have found that there are times when sarcasm in best. On those super stressful days, sarcasm is likely my children's savior. However, I do realize the confusion it causes for not only them, but potentially the men in this house as well, so I decided to write a list of 10 sarcasms which should never be taken literally and there literal translations.
1) Yes, please make a huge mess, I can not tell you how much I cherisgh the opportunity to pick up all your dirty dishes, toys, clothes and snack crumbs.
Translation: I have been cleaning all day, and if you make a mess I swear I will kill you.
2) Please feel free to wipe you nose, mouth, etc on your shirt sleeve or even better on my shirt tail, there is nothing I would love more than to share all the nasty little germs you pick up.
Translation: You are nasty, that is nasty. Go wipe your nose with a Kleenex
3) Thank you for leaving the front door standing wide open, I have always wanted the chance to heat/cool the entire neighborhood
Translation: For the umptenth time... CLOSE THE DOOR NOW!
4) Stay up as late as you want, watch Tv and be as loud as possible, after all who needs sleep... We can all sleep when we are dead.
Translation: Go to sleep now or you will die. I am your mother, I gave you life.. I can take it away!
5) Go right ahead and fill up with snacks, and over processed junk, I don't mind watching you pick at your dinner, and not eat only to have you scream an hour later that you are hungry
Translation: You better not feel up on junk before dinner, or you will go to bed hungry, and no I don't care if you are "starving to death"
6) Please talk, and scream as loudly as possible while I am trying to talk on the phone, watch Tv, etc. There is nothing I love more in this world than the sound of your voices and the louder the better
Translation: Shut up!! Shut up now!! I am __________
7) Sure of course we can have a (insert pet here) I would love to have something else to clean up after and take care of while I sit around all day watching Tv and eating Bon Bons
Translation: ha ha ha ha ha Have you lost your ever loving mind? The only pet you are getting is a pet rock
8) Of course you can wear the same clothes all week, we wouldn't want the other kids to think you actually have more than one set of clothes would we? (this one is specifically for my male spawns)
Translation: change your clothes! You are starting to stink!
9) Please leave those dirty dishes sitting in the sink and go play video games. I do so love the foul smells coming from the sink, and a few bugs in the kitchen would add a little flare
Translation: You better get those dishes done now if you know what's good for you!
10) Sure, you can have $20 for no real reason what so ever. We have plenty of money, and there is always lots to spare
Translation: ha ha ha ha ha you really must have lost your mind.
So what about you? As a parent are you respondsible for any sarcastic half witted scoldings? What are some of the best (most confusing) statements you make to your own spawn?