Today I woke up with the weight of the world on my shoulders, It was almost as if from the second I open my eyes the world was screaming, and assuring me that no matter what I did, today... I was going to cry. I wrestled with my feelings assuring myself I was stronger than the weight I carried, but as the day progressed the weight only became heavier and I could feel the knots beginning to form in my stomach. My heart ached, and my mind was weary. I could not fight it any longer...
And then I cried... I cried because I miss my son, and there is a whole in my heart which will never be filled. I cried because I long to hear his laughs, see his smile, and hold him in my arms. I cried for the years I lost, and for the things I will never experience. I cried, because that is what a grieving mother does.
Of course there are those who feel that by now (20 months later) the tears should have stopped, and the pain should have eased. Yet, as I looked through the pictures of my smiling angelic child who is no longer here, the pain is real and fresh as ever. I do not believe that the pain of loosing your child ever lessens, I believe that you only become stronger and therefore the pain is easier to bear.
Over time, you slowly begin to have good days, days when you are able to laugh and smile. However, often those days are over shadowed by guilt, as in some odd way you worry that by being happy you are leaving your child behind, or that their memory is fading. Slowly you begin to doubt yourself as a parent (as a mother) "What kind of parent smiles when there child is no longer here" But then you are reminded that your child loved you, and that they would want you to be happy, and the guilt lifts just slightly. Once again you find yourself starting to have good days, and you are smiling.
Then comes the birthdays, the holidays, the anniversaries, and like a ton of bricks you are once again hit with that grief. The grief that no one seems to understand, and no parent should ever have to bare. You look through the pictures, and cling to the memories, longing for the sound of your child's voice, their scent, their laugh. You look through old movies, and your heart breaks because you want more than anything just to reach out and touch them. You pray for pleasant dreams that turn into nightmares. You can't sleep, you can't eat, you feel alone. Over and over again you question why? yet you are never given the answers you seek. No words, can bring comfort to your heart, and although you state that "you are ok" truth is you are not. You are broken in a way no person should ever be, and try as you may the pieces will never truly be put back together, as there will always and forever be a piece missing. Slowly you learn to find peace in the small things, and you get through the day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time. Eventually you feel as if you can live again. However, you carry your pain with you everywhere, unsure of when it will show it's face, you are cautious, and careful and live mostly on auto pilot, but you are learning to live, and you are trying. Some people may not understand, but be patient with them, and say.. "It's an angel mom (parent) thing, be glad you don't understand!"
My mom, she tells a lot of lies, she never did before, but from now until she dies, she'll tell a whole lot more. Ask my mom how she is and because she can't explain, she will tell a little lie because she can't describe the pain. Ask my mom how she is, she'll say, "I'm alright" If that's the truth then tell me,... why does she cry each night? Ask my mom how she is, she seems to cope so well, she ...doesn't have a choice you see nor the strength to yell. Ask my mom how she is, "I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping," For God's sake mom, just tell the truth, just say your heart is broken. She'll love me all her life, I loved her all of mine, But if you ask her how she is, she'll lie and say she's fine. I am here in heaven, I cannot hug from here, If she lies to you don't listen, hug her and hold her near. On the day we meet again I'll smile and I'll be bold, I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Mom, with all the lies you told!"
~ author unknown