Saturday, April 20, 2013

Today I cried

For all of those who visit, to read my half witted, humorous posts I feel I must give you fair warning that this is NOT one of those posts. Although I try my hardest to be a person who can find humor in nearly every situation, I am also human and therefore have bad days, just like everyone else... Today, was one of those days.

Today I woke up with the weight of the world on my shoulders, It was almost as if from the second I open my eyes the world was screaming, and assuring me that no matter what I did, today... I was going to cry. I wrestled with my feelings assuring myself I was stronger than the weight I carried, but as the day progressed the weight only became heavier and I could feel the knots beginning to form in my stomach. My heart ached, and my mind was weary. I could not fight it any longer...

And then I cried... I cried because I miss my son, and there is a whole in my heart which will never be filled. I cried because I long to hear his laughs, see his smile, and hold him in my arms. I cried for the years I lost, and for the things I will never experience. I cried, because that is what a grieving mother does.


Of course there are those who feel that by now (20 months later) the tears should have stopped, and the pain should have eased. Yet, as I looked through the pictures of my smiling angelic child who is no longer here, the pain is real and fresh as ever. I do not believe that the pain of loosing your child ever lessens, I believe that you only become stronger and therefore the pain is easier to bear.
Over time, you slowly begin to have good days, days when you are able to laugh and smile. However, often those days are over shadowed by guilt, as in some odd way you worry that by being happy you are leaving your child behind, or that their memory is fading. Slowly you  begin to doubt yourself as a parent (as a mother) "What kind of parent smiles when there child is no longer here" But then you are reminded that your child loved you, and that they would want you to be happy, and the guilt lifts just slightly. Once again you find yourself starting to have good days, and you are smiling.
 
Then comes the birthdays, the holidays, the anniversaries, and like a ton of bricks you are once again hit with that grief. The grief that no one seems to understand, and no parent should ever have to bare. You look through the pictures, and cling to the memories, longing for the sound of your child's voice, their scent, their laugh. You look through old movies, and your heart breaks because you want more than anything just to reach out and touch them. You pray for pleasant dreams that turn into nightmares. You can't sleep, you can't eat, you feel alone.  Over and over again you question why? yet you are never given the answers you seek. No words, can bring comfort to your heart, and although you state that "you are ok" truth is you are not. You are broken in a way no person should ever be, and try as you may the pieces will never truly be put back together, as there will always and forever be a piece missing. Slowly you learn to find peace in the small things, and you get through the day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time.  Eventually you feel as if you can live again. However, you carry your pain with you everywhere, unsure of when it will show it's face, you are cautious, and careful and live mostly on auto pilot, but you are learning to live, and you are trying. Some people may not understand, but be patient with them, and say.. "It's an angel mom (parent) thing, be glad you don't understand!"
 
 
 
My mom, she tells a lot of lies, she never did before, but from now until she dies, she'll tell a whole lot more. Ask my mom how she is and because she can't explain, she will tell a little lie because she can't describe the pain. Ask my mom how she is, she'll say, "I'm alright" If that's the truth then tell me,... why does she cry each night? Ask my mom how she is, she seems to cope so well, she ...doesn't have a choice you see nor the strength to yell. Ask my mom how she is, "I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping," For God's sake mom, just tell the truth, just say your heart is broken. She'll love me all her life, I loved her all of mine, But if you ask her how she is, she'll lie and say she's fine. I am here in heaven, I cannot hug from here, If she lies to you don't listen, hug her and hold her near. On the day we meet again I'll smile and I'll be bold, I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Mom, with all the lies you told!"
~ author unknown
 
 

27 comments:

  1. Oh Kimbra. I don't really have anything to say...there really isn't anything I COULD say. But I wanted you to know that I read this, every word, and it resonates so deeply, Angel Mom.

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    1. Thank you for reading, and letting me know that while you know there is nothing you could say, you understand and care

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  2. Kimbra....I can't say I understand losing a child but I have lost others and I know what that feels like. I've been grieving for 7 mths now for my Gma. I've been grieving 7 yrs this year for my best friend, and so many others. in 5 mths I lost 6 family members from aug to feb. It's not a fun thing. Yes we may be happy at a moment that they are better off but yes we ask why. I still do. But then I know that my gma is looking down on me. Like for Easter me nor my family was sad b/c I know we knew it was her first real Easter with our Lord and Savior. and that's truly special.

    I know you ache and no I dont think a parent ever gets over there. Just like a child doesnt get over losing a parent. Time can heal but you'll always remember it. It's just how we humans are.

    I'm here if you ever need to talk and just let loose.

    Thinking of you darlin. praying for you.

    It's blogging about things like this that help me the most. Getting it out in the open and not keeping it inside helps.

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    1. I try to always find the humor in life, but grief is simply not humorous. It does indeed help to blog about topics like this, although I try not to do so often.

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  3. I read this in the dark, on my phone, weeping for you.

    With you.

    That grief comes in waves is the most surprising thing to me. That and the fact that the waves keep coming.

    Since grief will enter every life, at some point, I sure hope we all learn how to surf.

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    1. Learning to surf is a part of life unfortunately, but I am learning to do it one day at a time.

      Thank you for reading.

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  4. Kimbra, my heart breaks for you...I'm crying as I read this....I have no idea what it is like to go through something like this...

    The only thing I do know is however YOU do get through it, it's ok....and don't let anyone EVER tell you anything different!

    *hugs*

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    1. Thank you for the Hugs and words on encouragement. I really appreciate hearing that other people think that what I am doing is OK, especially when so many others, express their need for me to "get over it"

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  5. My heart too breaks for you, I couldn't imagine the pain in your heart, but I know you are such a strong woman! Hopefully one day the pain will subside and you will just remember the happy times you had with him. In my thoughts all day now :)

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    1. Thank you so much for your words of support and encouragement. The happy times and good memories is what gets me through the days, weeks, and months without him.

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  6. My heart aches for you. No parent should ever have to go through something like this. Grief is a life long process and comes in ebbs and flows and sometimes hits us when we least expect it. I send many hugs and prayers your way.

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    1. Thank you so very much for your hugs, prayers, and encouragement, it really means a lot more to me than I can explain.

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  7. I can't imagine someone thinking that you should "be moving on" after only 20 months. I would think that any parent could understand that the grief of losing a child would last a lifetime. *Hugs*

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    1. Thank you for the hugs, sadly there are many who feel I should move on, and get on with life. There are so many parents who fortunately do not understand the pain, and therefore do not understand that it will never go away. Thank you for reading and for the encouragement.

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    1. Thank you so much for the Hugs, they are appreciated greatly!

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  9. Sending you hugs and kisses xoxo- thanks for sharing. A very beautiful post.

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    1. Thank you for the hugs, and for reading. You caring and support means a great deal to me!

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  10. OMG! I just want to hug you. You have so much love for your children. Your son is blessed to have you as their mom! It's been almost 18 months that my daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and I still get angry and I cry. I hope you will read her story and follow my blog! Sorry the URL is so long... http://www.notyourordinarypsychicmom.blogspot.com/2012/01/my-newly-diagnosed-diabetic-7-year-old.html

    Sending you lots of love and blessings.

    xoxo

    Melissa

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    1. Thank you so much for visiting, for reading, and for the support and encouragment. I read your daughters story and my heart aches for you, as I remember what it was like when my son was diagnosed and the emotional roller coaster we all went through. You are in my heart, and I will be following you : )

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  11. I am praying for your pain to ease.

    My cousin lost her 3 month old daughter this past December, and although it was not my own child, I feel there is a missing piece in my heart as well. I cannot even begin to fathom the pain you are in.

    God is great & is always there to help you & for you to talk to!

    An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth,

    Then whispered as she closed the book,

    "Too beautiful for Earth"

    -Unknown


    I just love this quote. Although your son was not a baby when he became an angel, he still must have been too beautiful for earth!

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    1. Thank you so much for the prayers. Loosing a child is a horrible experience no parent should ever go through I will pray for your cousin

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  12. I can not imagine what you have to endure. You are a strong women for being able to deal with such sadness and still be able to go along through life. Like you said no parent should have to know that kind of pain. I send you love and hugs and lots of prayers for you to stay strong.
    Xoxo

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    1. Thank you for the support as well as love, hugs and prayers. They do truly mean a great deal to me, honestly more than I can express.

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  13. I love the way you write. And hon those tears will never stop so don't let anyone tell you anything. You as a mother who has lost her baby has a right to cry any time she damn well pleases. You could have a happy thought and cry about it remembering the good and how lucky you were to spend the time you did with your baby. They will not always be sad tears. Crying is good too. You need to let your emotions out. And to share this with us is beyond strong of you. It will take some time to heal, but you will get there eventually. Stay strong mommas! <3

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    1. First of all thank you, for the compliment on my writing. Secondly thank you for the support and encouragement. Sadly there are so many people who do not understand, and it is nice to know when people do. <3 <3

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  14. Hi Kimbra,

    Thank you so much for sharing this with us @ The Show Off Blog Party. As a mother, I can feel your pain. I would be the same way if I lost my child. Go ahead and cry, it's ok. I'm sure the pain will never really go away.

    Jessica
    The Wondering Brain

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