Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Feeling weak

Lately I have been in some sort of funk, It sort of came out of no where and has trapped me within its presence. I have tried to wrestle loose to no avail, and am beginning to feel like that harder I struggle to free myself, the tighter it's grip on me becomes (like a Chinese finger trap) I am stuck, and although I am not to the point of wallowing in pity or fighting to get out of bed in the morning, the truth is I have been feeling weak, and powerless.. Just sort of in one of those "why bother" type moods. I am sure we have all been there, and I know that occasionally having these feelings is normal... Honestly I think it could potentially be a slight case of PTSD and two years of hell catching up to me... All I do know for sure, is that I have to get out of this funk cause truth is that my moodiness is beginning to get on my own nerves. I am not generally this funky or gloomy, and this funk has over stayed its welcome big time

Today I was reading over past blogs hoping to find some inspiration (as this funk has seemed to bring blog block along for the ride) and I stumbled over a post I made last year that perfectly describes the way I have been feeling lately. I know I am the only one who can change this feeling and trust me when I say I am working on it every second, and I know I will come out on the other side (just seem to have temporarily misplaced the big girl panties) so for today I am sharing this post with you, as it rings truer than true for me right now, and I have a feeling it just may ring true for some of you as well.

                                  

Yes, those are my arms in the picture above... The picture was taken by a friend of mine on Boogie's birthday. She thought it would be neat to get a cool black and white shot of my new tattoos. However, looking at this picture really has me thinking... Do these words even truly describe me? Sometimes I feel like instead of "Strong Survivor" I perhaps should have tattooed something more along the lines of "Weak and Broken". Most days I certainly don't feel very strong. People always tell me that I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for, but yet I wonder... Do they say these things simply because they themselves feel like perhaps they could not have endured many of the things I have gone through, or do they say them truly because they feel I am strong?

Another thought that comes to mind pretty regularly... If I am so strong, then why do I feel so weak? Some days I truly feel as though the world is sucking every ounce of life out of me, and it is a struggle simply to breath. Surely those are not characteristics of a strong person?  The old saying goes "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" but so often I feel like I am already dead on the inside, and if I am dead then how can I be classified as strong??

Thoughts like these plaque my mind quiet frequently. I am always afraid I am going to let people down, especially those people who seem to see in me so many things that I am truly unable to see in myself... I feel like if I am weak, then I am letting those who care, and who believe I am strong down. Yet, I feel if I am strong, I am betraying my son in some odd way...

I will often say that I wish others could know the road I am walking, so that they could better understand my jumbled up roller coaster of emotions which come out only as a jumbled up mess of none understandable words when I try to explain... There truth however, is that I am so glad that others do not have to walk this road.

I guess I will just keep trudging down this path that I never wanted to walk, and perhaps with every step I will get a little stronger... I may not be able to look in the mirror tonight, and see a "Strong Survivor" but one day my tattoos will ring true... Even in my eyes.

15 comments:

  1. Everyone's idea of strong is different with each passing moment and struggle. I didn't call myself strong until a while after I made peace with what has happened in my past. Some people have messed up lives, some are tragic and some have of us have completely fucked up(sorry for the swearing pasts, but it's how you bounce back that makes you strong. And you are here living and breathing strong!

    I might not have been around as long as some of these other mommies but I know another strong mom when I see her, even if you don't just yet :) You are strong enough to tell people of your tough road, and that's more than I can say for myself. I might have to change that some day...

    Sometimes making your life public on a blog makes you think you should be stronger than you are, but I have moments when my skin is paper thin lol.

    Otherwise through this very long comment I'm just saying, I know you're strong and so should you.
    ~Brit
    www.itsonrandom.com

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    1. Brit ~
      Thank you so much for that, honestly I really needed that today. I do need to make peace with my past I don't think I have entirely done that as of yet, but I am working on it, and I think this blog is honestly a big first step in that direction.

      Thank you so much for reassuring me of my strength, lately I have felt so powerless and knowing that someone else sees strength in me some where helps me to find my big girl panties faster.

      (((Hugs))))

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    2. hahaha you are very welcome! You are still in the 'sticky years' we like to call them, where it's okay to be a mess. But I think you're doing better than most! And you have a whole audience who is supportive of you and your healing.

      Happy Healing!

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  2. You are strong. A weak person would have never written this post or admited they felt weak. Strong comes in so many ways. Don't beat yourself up for your body / mind going through what it needs to. You will get back on track.

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    1. Thank you girl, this blog is sort of my journey to healing and rediscovery, I try to put myself out there sometimes in order to not only help myself but hopefully at some point potentially help someone else as well. Thank you so much for your kind words and support, I really do appreciate them and they help me so much.

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  3. You can't feel strong and happy all the time. I think the trick is to admit when you are struggling like you have and deal with those emotions. Then celebrate the good times. I always worry about the people who are perpetually happy because they are a ticking time bomb.

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    1. Thank you girl, it is often hard for me to admit when I am struggling or not feeling so strong or happy as I usually tend to be the strong one who sees the silver lining.

      I too worry about people who are perpetually happy and have even been known to say "they are just too happy, I wonder what they are hiding"

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  4. I couldn't handle what you've gone through, so to me you definitely are a strong survivor. I am confident others think the same of you. All you can do is be aware of how you're feeling, and do what you can to make it better, whether it's seeing a doctor, taking a walk, or laughing at something ridiculous.

    You are a strong survivor and your kids see you that way. I know they do.

    Hang in there. :-0

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    1. Thank you so much for the supportive words. I think we all deal with things that others think they couldn't handle. Thank you again for the support and encouragement. I hope you are right, I hope that my kids do see me as a strong survivor and not someone who is totally loosing it.

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  5. You need to listen to 'She's True' by Tony Lucca. There's a certain verse, "She's not afraid to be afraid, And strong enough to know why, Maybe she'll cry, But she's true to herself," that I had tattooed on me a few years ago to help me get through a rough part of my life. They remind me that some days I'll be fine, some days I will break down, but no matter what, I'm still strong and still being true to who I am.
    Big hugs to you!!! ; )

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    1. Thank you so much for the hugs and kind words, I will definitely have to listen to the song because it sounds like a totally awesome one. I got my wrist tattoos for a very similar reason, to remind myself I was strong and I could survive anything life had to throw at me, thank you for helping me to remember their purpose.
      Big hugs right back at ya

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  6. Hi Kimbra, I just found your blog through The Wondering Brain and am your newest GFC follower. I think your tattoos are beautiful. I believe that feeling weak and broken is a side effect of being a strong survivor who is handling what life has given. So you must be doing a great job!

    Paula
    lifeasweknowitbypaula.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you so much for visiting and for the words of encouragement. Also thank you so much for the compliment on my tattoos

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  7. It's this kind of self-awareness that makes you a strong survivor. So many don't or can't recognize when they are in a "funk," as you called it, and just sink deeper.When you are battling back, that's when you know you are a survivor.

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    1. Thank you so much for the words of encouragement and the reminder, it really means a lot to me that I have such great blogger friends who are here to lift me up

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