Wednesday, August 7, 2013

I am doing it!!!

She was only 16 and oblivious to the real world around her, yet there she was about to step into the
world of motherhood. How could she do this? This wasn't like the puppy she had begged for, and since forgotten... No, this was a living breathing tiny human being. A tiny human who depended on her. How could she care for something so small and fragile when caring for herself was a task that was often too hard. Yet, she was determined, and head strong... "They want me to fail" she thought to herself, "they are waiting, and expecting it".  Perhaps she will fail, but she can not allow them to be right, not this time... "I'm terrified" she thinks as she looks upon the sweet blue eyed baby the nurse just placed in her arms. Will I ever be the mom I want to be? What if I can't do this? Desperation sinks in and she begins to feel all alone, yet somehow that loneliness inspires her, sets a spark of determination in her heart. "I can not fail!" She thinks. This isn't where I thought I would be at 16, but here I am... Time passes, and slowly the teen gets the hang of things. She has learned that sleep is a luxury that she no longer has, and speed showering has become her talent. She can cook a meal, carry a phone conversation, and rock a fussy baby all with one arm. She has left behind her childhood, and now sees a woman... a mother, when she looks at her reflection. "I'm doing it" she proclaims... Keeping her head up she faces her world one day at a time. She struggles, she cries, she worries.  "What if I am not a good mother?" She often thinks to herself, worrying about the titles society heaps upon teens mom. "What if I really am worthless?" Of course her little boy could never see her that way. To him, she is the bringer of milk, the changer of diapers, his comfort when he is scared... To that little boy she is a hero. She presses on. The days become weeks, the weeks become months, and the months become years. Before she knows it that fragile little baby is starting his first day of Kindergarten. As she drops him off for his first day of class her heart breaks as he cries out in fear of the unknown. She walks from the school drying tears from her eyes. "I must be strong" she thinks, "He needs me to be strong." A few hours later her heart leaps for joy as she picks up a brave and smiley little boy who has grass stains on his jeans and chocolate milk on his face. Her heart is bursting with pride, and she thinks "I am doing it"... More years pass, and that little boy is slowly turning into a young man. She wakes up one morning to discover, he is 13 and he no longer needs her... Her heart breaks, as she listens to him talk about growing up and moving away. She can't even begin to imagine letting go of her little boy, her baby... Shouldn't he still be clinging to my leg, and needing me to kiss his boo boo's?  She watches as he heads of to junior high, and listens as he talks about dreams of college. She is there when he doesn't want her to be, and stands in the shadows allowing him the glory... Then, one day she finds herself embraced by his arms, stunned she asks "To what do I owe this surprise?" The little man  looks  at his mom with the most beautiful eyes, the eyes that once made her so unsure, those beautiful now brown eyes, and says "I love you mom!", and she thinks to herself, "I am doing it!"

3 comments:

  1. great post.

    I had my son when I was 22... I had these same thoughts. I have them now.. he is 6 years old.

    I think that it is harder the younger you are...
    But, not because of capability.. but because of society making it so.

    Congratulations for doing it.
    Congratulations for ALL of us.. who do it each day.

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  2. Great post. My mother in law had my husband at 15. You ve done it! Congrats, mama!

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