Tuesday, October 8, 2013

First you must change yourself...

This post may be some of that unsolicited advice, that we as humans so rarely want, and in that case please feel free to skip over it. However, if you are having troubles in your marriage, relationship, partnership and feel like you've tried everything else, and maybe you are on the verge of simply walking away. This advice may just be worth reading. This information is coming from a woman with one failed marriage, and a second marriage that was also almost a complete failure. This is a life lesson I have learned the HARD way, and feel it is worth sharing. Perhaps if I had taken my own advice (the advice I am about to give to you) I wouldn't have struggled nearly as much as I have.

Love and relationships are hard work, and many times we feel as if we are giving our all when our significant other is giving very little, or even nothing at all. However, have you ever stopped to think that maybe, just maybe they are merely living up to the expectations you have set for them? Maybe just maybe if you changed yourself, even just a little you would see a change in them too.

My partner is selfish... My partner is inconsiderate... My partner is lazy... My partner doesn't care... My partner works too much... My partner doesn't work enough... My partner doesn't try hard enough...

If you are being truthful, how many times have you said any of those things? Consider this, men, women, and children alike will live up to the standards we set for them. If we spend our time constantly nagging at them about every little thing they are doing wrong, and telling them that they aren't good enough, they will eventually believe these things, and live up to those standards. They will stop trying because they feel like it does not matter how hard they try, or if they even try at all, because no matter what, it will not be good enough.

When you spend your time nagging at your partner that they should have spent more time with you instead of selfishly doing something from themselves, it will only make them distance themselves from you more.

When you nag your partner about not being affectionate enough, caring enough, considerate enough constantly asking for more, and more acting only as if what they are already giving is not enough. Well, they will eventually close themselves off, shut down and quit trying all together.

When you are constantly nit picking everything your partner does because it wasn't done exactly the way you would have done it, or because it wasn't done in the time frame you thought it should have been, they will eventually stop being bothered to do anything at all.

So you see it is a chain reaction. Your attitude alone is the determining factor in your relationship. If you want someone who is affectionate, caring, and tries hard to please you, then you must be that person. No one likes to be constantly bashed, nagged, or criticized. No one likes feeling like their efforts are in vein and that no matter how hard they try they simply will never be good enough. On the flipside, everyone loves to be encouraged, being told how amazing they are, and receiving praise for the little things they do.

So try changing yourself... Instead of focusing on the fact that your partner forgot to remove the trash, praise them for the sweet text they sent this morning. Instead of focusing of the lack of time your partner spends with you,  remember to let your partner know how much you love and enjoy the time you do spend together. Instead of nagging about the errands that were forgotten, praise them for the ones they remembered. Be the caring, affectionate, loving partner you wish you had, and I promise that over time they will return the favor.

True love is about embracing your partners flaws. It is about seeing through the negative to the amazing person they are. It isn't always easy, especially when you feel like you are doing all the work, but nothing worth having is ever easy. You must work hard every day, and strive to focus on the positive things your partner brings to your life. Is he a hard worker? Does she make amazing pancakes? Even more important, would you be complete without them in your life?

It's as simple and difficult as this... If you want your relationship to change, you must BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE. Especially when you feel like you are the only one who cares, and especially when you feel like you are the only one trying. Never give up, and you will see all your hard work pay off in a big way (even if it is just a happier you)

Give it a try... Go one day, just one full day without complaining about anything. One day where negativity of any sort is not allowed to creep into your life, and see just how much your life changes. You know it's worth it... So take the first step to changing your life, your relationship, and your world. Just be the change you want to see!

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